The Conditioner Thief

 

The swim today was hard. I had no energy, but I plowed on. Post swim, I’m very tired, but the shower helped. It always does.  

    Now, I’ve just come out of the bathroom stall after taking my shower. I always leave my suit hanging on the hooks and my shampoo and conditioner bottles on the floor while I’m in the bathroom.

            But today, when I bend down to scoop the bottles off the floor, I notice that the conditioner bottle is ‘squeezed’ in the middle. What? I would never leave it like this. Did someone use some of my conditioner while I was peeing?

            Oh, yes! Of course, Conditioner Woman would! She’s in the shower now and she’s the only one left in the locker room.  

            It hasn’t happened in a while, but there was a period where she’d come into the communal shower and ask me if she could ‘borrow’ a little of my conditioner. At first, I just said, “I don’t have much to spare, so maybe someone else has some.” And she’d go on to the next unsuspecting soapy naked woman in the shower. “Hello? Would you mind if I use a little of your conditioner?”

            Sometimes, a generous patron, such as Alice, would laugh and hand over her big bottle of conditioner: “SURE! Help yourself. I’ve got plenty to spare.”

            But other times, Conditioner Woman had no luck with procuring some product.

            She’d repeat this with me every week: “Hi, do you have a little conditioner that I could borrow?”

            And I got to the point where I’d just glare at her through my soapy face and hiss, “NO!”

            So, today, when I found my conditioner bottle ‘used’ I knew who the culprit was: Conditioner Woman. She had actually waited for me to go to the bathroom and then had stolen some of my conditioner while I was gone!

            I just couldn’t believe it.

            To make it even more awkward, she’s a librarian at the Richmond Public Libraries and I’d talked to her colleague at the Main Branch about doing a reading of my forthcoming novel, Adam and Leonora, this summer. I’d mentioned this to Conditioner Woman a few weeks ago, asking her if she knew her colleague, Alicia Rodriguez, at the Main Branch.

            “Oh, yes, she’s really nice. Let me know what happens with your reading.”

            All perfectly normal and professional and friendly.

            But now, do I have to let her steal my conditioner without saying anything in order to get a reading at the local library?

            This seems a bit far-fetched!

            Today when she came out of the shower, she didn’t make eye contact me. Conditioner Theft Guilt?

            Or simply in a hurry.

            I thought, for a moment, of asking her if I could borrow some conditioner from her. But then thought better of it. I know my pointed humor would probably be lost on her. But it might make her squirm!

            Or could a Conditioner Thief feel remorse? I mean, what’s the big deal anyway? It’s only conditioner, right?

            Right. But it’s the history of this incident that is intriguing to me. I mean, what the hell is her deal? Does she forget it? Does she not have the money for it? Does she just like to steal? For the thrill of it? What if I had come out of the bathroom stall right at the moment she was taking it or putting it back? What would she have done? What would I have done?

            “Hey! PUT THAT DOWN! That’s my conditioner! You can’t have it!”

            Are we 5 years old?

            In any case, I’m not leaving my conditioner on the floor anymore when I go to the bathroom. I’m taking it with me into the stall.

            Does this seem a bit extreme?

            No. I have to protect my conditioner. After all it is expensive. And I don’t want it to disappear without my consent.

            Or as Kenny Rogers sang, “I have to keep track of the condition of my conditioner.”

            Esp when thieving librarians are on the prowl!

Kenny Rogers & The First Edition: Condition