Protocols

“Ma’am, we ask that you no longer deck change.” The lifeguard barely glances at me as she and her coworker busy themselves with the enormous pool covers.

“But it’s so cold,” I protest, shivering dramatically.

“I know, but we’ve had some problems with nudity.” Huh? What the hell is she talking about? Are the Berkeley swimmers baring their breasts and exposing their dicks after swimming their laps? I refrain from asking for the specifics though, “I think I was pretty discreet,” I offer defensively. I mean, hell, we can’t use the locker rooms because of the pandemic. What are we supposed to do?

            “You were,” she says, “But if we let one person do it then we have to let everyone.”

            Oh, I HATE this logic! Like we are all the same people? That everyone is bad so no one can do something even if they are careful? I used to use this logic when I was a kid and it never worked. “But Janine can do it, why can’t I?” Mom would dismiss me with the standard “Because I said so.” Of course, this was never a satisfying answer, but it shut me up.

            Why can’t this apply today? Just because I ‘deck change’ doesn’t mean that everyone else gets to. Why?

            Because I said so!

            The lifeguard continues with her lecture, “We ask that you just put on your parka over your suit and leave.”

            I shake my head as I zip up my parka, thinking how this lifeguard is just after me cuz I hassled her about not being able to switch pools anymore. When I asked her why, she had said two things: 1) Because of COVID (Huh? This makes no sense). 2) Because people complain that their lane isn’t held for them indefinitely. Okay, shouldn’t they have to just forfeit their lane if they're late? When I’d mentioned this to the lifeguard, she’d ignored me.

            I realize I’m not going to change ‘protocol’ here, but I pursue the COVID question anyway. It perplexes me: “You had said earlier that I couldn’t switch pools because of COVID. Why is that?”

            She doesn’t look at me now. Seems nervous. “I don’t know....my boss just said that it was the protocol. People switch chairs....” she offered. Okay, I’ll give her a tiny break here. I mean her boss runs the show, not her, but he/she/they should tell her why. I mean, c’mon. It makes no sense. Does COVID lurk on the deck between pools and when you walk from one pool to the other, it attacks the bottom of your bare feet?

            Switching chairs? Maybe. There are chairs at the end of each lane on the deck for swimmers to put their stuff. The lifeguards do spray these chairs with some sort of COVID killing chemical between lap hours. So, I suppose, if someone switched pools and then switched chairs there could be some contamination?

            Doesn’t seem likely though. The lifeguard agrees, “But most people don’t switch chairs, so....” Her voice trails off. I feel a little sorry for her, but then not really. I mean, the no-deck change is ludicrous. We’re at a water situation. I grew up at the beach. Surfers always changed out of their wetsuits in the street behind car doors. Standard practice. No one thought anything of it. I had always hoped to catch a glimpse of surfer ass, but this rarely happened.

            Just like tonight when I changed. Under my huge parka. Whipping my suit off. Putting my sweats on. C’mon. What is the problem?

            I’m sick of it all! The protocols for COVID are gonna drive me over the edge. I get that we don’t want to spread the virus unnecessarily, but hell, what does changing pools have to do with this?

            And now the no deck change?

            I’ve had it.

            As the lifeguard goes back to her lane cover task, I get snippy: “You all don’t make it easy for us to swim!” I harrumph. “First, no switching pools. Now no deck changing. It’s ridiculous.”

            She ignores me.

            I sigh. Very loudly. Gather up my stuff and head out of the area.

            We can’t switch pools. We can’t deck change. We can’t go to the bathroom.

            Hell, next time I come here I’m gonna pee in the pool!