Protocols

“Ma’am, we ask that you no longer deck change.” The lifeguard barely glances at me as she and her coworker busy themselves with the enormous pool covers.

“But it’s so cold,” I protest, shivering dramatically.

“I know, but we’ve had some problems with nudity.” Huh? What the hell is she talking about? Are the Berkeley swimmers baring their breasts and exposing their dicks after swimming their laps? I refrain from asking for the specifics though, “I think I was pretty discreet,” I offer defensively. I mean, hell, we can’t use the locker rooms because of the pandemic. What are we supposed to do?

            “You were,” she says, “But if we let one person do it then we have to let everyone.”

            Oh, I HATE this logic! Like we are all the same people? That everyone is bad so no one can do something even if they are careful? I used to use this logic when I was a kid and it never worked. “But Janine can do it, why can’t I?” Mom would dismiss me with the standard “Because I said so.” Of course, this was never a satisfying answer, but it shut me up.

            Why can’t this apply today? Just because I ‘deck change’ doesn’t mean that everyone else gets to. Why?

            Because I said so!

            The lifeguard continues with her lecture, “We ask that you just put on your parka over your suit and leave.”

            I shake my head as I zip up my parka, thinking how this lifeguard is just after me cuz I hassled her about not being able to switch pools anymore. When I asked her why, she had said two things: 1) Because of COVID (Huh? This makes no sense). 2) Because people complain that their lane isn’t held for them indefinitely. Okay, shouldn’t they have to just forfeit their lane if they're late? When I’d mentioned this to the lifeguard, she’d ignored me.

            I realize I’m not going to change ‘protocol’ here, but I pursue the COVID question anyway. It perplexes me: “You had said earlier that I couldn’t switch pools because of COVID. Why is that?”

            She doesn’t look at me now. Seems nervous. “I don’t know....my boss just said that it was the protocol. People switch chairs....” she offered. Okay, I’ll give her a tiny break here. I mean her boss runs the show, not her, but he/she/they should tell her why. I mean, c’mon. It makes no sense. Does COVID lurk on the deck between pools and when you walk from one pool to the other, it attacks the bottom of your bare feet?

            Switching chairs? Maybe. There are chairs at the end of each lane on the deck for swimmers to put their stuff. The lifeguards do spray these chairs with some sort of COVID killing chemical between lap hours. So, I suppose, if someone switched pools and then switched chairs there could be some contamination?

            Doesn’t seem likely though. The lifeguard agrees, “But most people don’t switch chairs, so....” Her voice trails off. I feel a little sorry for her, but then not really. I mean, the no-deck change is ludicrous. We’re at a water situation. I grew up at the beach. Surfers always changed out of their wetsuits in the street behind car doors. Standard practice. No one thought anything of it. I had always hoped to catch a glimpse of surfer ass, but this rarely happened.

            Just like tonight when I changed. Under my huge parka. Whipping my suit off. Putting my sweats on. C’mon. What is the problem?

            I’m sick of it all! The protocols for COVID are gonna drive me over the edge. I get that we don’t want to spread the virus unnecessarily, but hell, what does changing pools have to do with this?

            And now the no deck change?

            I’ve had it.

            As the lifeguard goes back to her lane cover task, I get snippy: “You all don’t make it easy for us to swim!” I harrumph. “First, no switching pools. Now no deck changing. It’s ridiculous.”

            She ignores me.

            I sigh. Very loudly. Gather up my stuff and head out of the area.

            We can’t switch pools. We can’t deck change. We can’t go to the bathroom.

            Hell, next time I come here I’m gonna pee in the pool!

WTF????

 “Your name?”

The lifeguard is a young woman I haven’t seen here before at King Pool. She seems about 12, but she’s probably 19 or 20. Her lank dark hair hangs behind her blue mask. She seems nervous. Or just new. Or maybe only tired of lifeguarding in the cold, dark drizzle.

“Carol Jameson.”

“Have you been in contact with anyone who has had COVID?”

“No.”

“Do you have any symptoms? Any coughing? Aches? Fever?”

“No.”

“He’ll take your temperature.”

I lean my forehead toward him, another young person. He seems familiar with his curly dark hair popping out atop his head. He points a plastic blue thermometer at me.

“Okay, you’re good to go,” he says.

Before I move on, I ask Nervous Girl, “I’m in the Dive Tank. Is it okay if I move to the Big Pool if someone doesn’t show up?”

“We’ve had a change in policy. No more switching pools.”

“Really? Why is that?”

“Their name is on the list.”

Their name is on the list? WTF does that mean? I feel the shuffling behind me. A line of swimmers has formed as the light drizzle begins to turn to rain. Obviously, this change in policy is an issue. In the past, if someone hadn’t shown up for their reserved lane after 15 minutes, the lifeguards would let me move to the big pool. This seems reasonable. After all, if you’re that late, you should have to give up your lane. What’s that got to do with your name being on The List?

            I can’t argue with her now as the group glaring behind me intensifies.

            I shake my head, sigh VERY loudly, “Okay, well, your change in policy doesn’t make any sense, but it’s your pool. I’m not going to stand here and argue with you.”

            She doesn’t respond but moves to take the person’s name behind me.

 As I head out to the back of the deck, to the Dive Tank, I’m seething. It is SO stupid!  I eye the little blue square, a very short pool that is maybe a third the length of the big pool, and I think about how idiocy and policy go together.  Who came up with this Change in Policy? Some Pool Manager who got harassed by a Berkeleyiete who was incensed that some Dive Tanker stole their lane. They have the right to be as late as they want and still keep the lane. And, because I don’t live in Berkeley, nonresidents can’t sign up for lanes till 48 hours after residents, so I NEVER have gotten a real lap lane. But the moving from the Dive tank to the Big Pool, while it doesn’t happen all the time, did happen frequently.

Now no more?

            It’s insane!

            Frankly, if someone shows up more than 15 minutes late, they lose their spot, right? I mean, other businesses do this. When I work at the Writing Lab at GGU and a student is more than 10 minutes late, they lose their spot. I help the person waiting in the wings.

This makes perfect sense, right?

            As I begin my back and forth and back and forth and back and forth, I can’t help it, I keep an eye on the big pool to see if all the lanes are taken. After all, it’s late on a rainy Sunday night, I bet it won’t be full.

            And sure enough, there is an empty lane. I keep turning around, watching the clock. It’s been 15 minutes, are they really NOT going to let me move?

            I eye the empty lane longingly. It is taunting me with its vacuity. Damn! Do I dare just get out and go jump in that lane? Would the lifeguards really come over and tell me to get out?

            I do consider trying it. After all, I am an old lady. Would these 12-year-old guards really have the nerve to tell me to move if there’s no one using the lane?

            I decide not to risk it, but I am so mad! At about 10-12 yards long, I have to turn around over 150 times to do maybe a mile in the Dive Tank. Meanwhile, there sits that beautiful empty lane taunting me.

            It’s a far cry from the first time I came to King Pool when the lifeguard checked me in and offered me a big lane cuz there was a cancellation? Who knows? But since then, they’d been nice about letting me switch.

            It’s such a big deal in this Pandemic. I can’t stand it anymore. Already, I can’t ever get a regular lane in the Big Pool, but I could switch if no one showed up.

            The resources are so scarce. The pools are so booked up. If someone doesn’t show or is late, tough shit, right?

            Oh, if only I ran the pools! It would be a different world. Non-residents could sign up at the same time as residents. The pools would be open 24 hours a day.

            And there would be Pool Switching allowed if someone was late or didn’t show.

            It’s only fair, right?

            RIGHT!!!!

            I will write a letter of complaint to the Pool Manager. Like that will do any good. If there’s one thing I’ve learned after all these years of swimming, letters (or verbal) of complaint NEVER accomplish anything.

            Except maybe make me feel better

            I finish lap 174, the whistle blows, I climb out of the Dive Tank, tired but a good tired.

Even with the Change in Policy, the Dive Tank is better than nothing. Yet....next time, I might just jump in that empty lane and see what happens.

            After all, only live once!