Sunday, June 10, 2012
“You know, you aren’t allowed any Product in here.”
PP sets the green bottle of conditioner on the sauna bench next to her, glares at Anti Product Woman since it’s dark in the sauna and she can get away with it.
What the hell was her problem anyway?
PP had been getting a Hostile Vibe from her the moment she’d entered Hilltopia.
PP had just been lying there, minding her own post swim exhaustion business, when APW entered and sat down next to her. Too close.
Why? There was tons of room in the sauna. APW coulda sat on the other side of the sauna, far far away from PP and her Potential Product Unveiling.
But yet, no. She’s sat too close and sent out those Hostile Vibes.
Was it because PP was in her favorite spot? PP knows that everyone has a Favorite spot. She liked the top shelf corner, and that’s where she was today. Maybe this was APW’s favorite spot too and she was miffed that she couldn’t have it?
Or had APW seen PP swimming and been irked for some reason? Though PP couldn’t imagine why. Sure APW was a ‘walker’ and not a ‘swimmer’—nothing wrong with that, but maybe APW had seen PP swimming and wished she could swim too?
Or maybe APW was just a Stupid Bitch.
“I know,” PP now answered to the Product Intention Question. “I wasn’t going to use it in here. Just getting it out....” (If that’s okay with you, you stupid bitch---PP refrained form this though. Why start an altercation if it can be avoided?)
And Chevron Movie Woman musta thought the same thing since she piped in, “Yeah, you know people hang stuff all over the rails there.” She pointed vaguely to the hot stones surrounded by a little wooden fence. “Even though there’s a sign right above it that says, “Do NOT hang anything on the Rails.”
CMW laughs nervously.
“Yeah, well, there’s no sign that says anything about Product,” PP states, just for the hell of it.
“There should be!” APW snorts. “There is at other Y’s.”
Yeah, well we’re not at other Y’s are we? PP wants to answer but decides to keep silent. It’s obvious, right? No sign forbidding Product means that Product could be used, but PP knows better. She’s respectful of the other ‘sensitive’ members and scent.
Not that her Green Apple Suave Conditioner doesn’t smell terrific. In fact it might help APW if she used some. Make her smell better.
Did she smell bad?
PP couldn’t really tell. But her attitude smelled bad.
“I’m going to go see the movie Bernie for the 3:50 show. Have you seen it?” CMW pipes up, eager to steer the dialogue away from Product?
PP wonders. She’d never thought of her as someone who’s particularly sensitive to what is going on around her. She babbles about inane movies she’s seen, her various boring work scenarios at Chevron, her condo association’s imposition on her time.
Yet today, it does seem like she wants to smooth out the air. Take the tension away.
PP likes this. It’s so unexpected. And welcome.
Not that APW has any clue that this is going on. She’s sitting next to PP fuming. PP can feel the heat radiating out of her and it’s not from the sauna.
Why oh why are Social Protocols in place that prevent one from partaking of such fun provocation?
It happens on Soap Operas all the time.
Daisy barges into Phyllis’s apartment. Offering a stupid gift of a glass elephant that Phyllis just flings away, shattering it against the wall. Daisy yells about how she’s just trying to be nice. They need to get along. Phyllis hisses that Daisy is a liar and she is only trying to get into her good graces cause she’s married to Phyllis’s son. Daisy says that she loves Daniel and Phyllis just has to get used to it. Phyllis grabs Daisy and shoves her against the wall. Daisy fights back and slugs Phyllis in the gut, sending her into “Oh MY GOD OH MY GOD! What have you done? I’m going to lose the baby” convulsions, doubling up in pain, and collapsing on the shag carpet.
Daisy walks out of the apt, smug smile on her face as Phyllis continues to scream in agony begging her to call 911.
If only PP could partake of one tenth of this kinda Reckless Drama! Why her life would be so much more exciting!
CMW is babbling about how much she adores Shirley McClain even though she’s a bit older now and her old movies are more entertaining though she’s really looking forward to seeing this movie today......
APW is still seething, eying the bottle of Green Apple suspiciously. Like what does she think PP is gonna do?
PP glances over at her, and then slowly opens up the bottle of conditioner. Takes a long slow whiff, ‘Ummm....smells so good...” she coos.
“You better not use that Product in here!” APW exclaims, nostrils flaring.
“Oh, why ever not?” PP sings, squirting out a big green glob on the palm of her hand, letting small bits of it splatter onto the wooden bench, dangerously close to APW. "There's no sign saying I can't."
“I’m warning you! You better leave now or else....”
“Or else what?” PP asks sweetly, as she begins smearing the gooey green into her hair.
APW stares down at CMW, who grins up at her sheepishly. “I think it smells good.”
“ARRRGGGHHH!!!” APW cries, collapsing in stricken horror, suddenly paralyzed. She watches helplessly as PP finishes applying the goo through her hair.
Writhing pitifully on the sauna room floor, APW raises one arm, weakly, beseeching PP to take pity on her. "No product...." she whines. "....allowed...."
PP gazes at AWP for a moment, then squats down next to her, placing the open bottle of Green Apple Product on the floor beside her, too far for her to reach. Too close for her not to smell.
Waving bye-bye to CMW, PP saunters out of the the sauna, AWP’s cries echoing pitifully as she heads for the shower, a smug smile spreading over her face under her goo laden mass of Green Apple Hair.
Posted by Cj at 4:50 PM