Thursday, February 21, 2008

A Pox on the Orange Woman


Swimmers Beware! There is an Odious Orange Woman terrorizing innocent swimmers at the Fairfax Canyon Club Swimming Pool! The following chronicles one swimmer’s trauma: a dear friend of PP’s who’s just trying to get a swim in for chrissakes! PP will try to capture KS’s voice here as it is HER story, but one too good (and important) to not put on Pool Puss Purrs!

“Maybe this has happened to you, Carol. I mean, you swim all the time and I’m sure it’s a common occurrence but I hafta tell you, I was really traumatized (PP’s interpretation) and haven’t been swimming since.”
“OHMYGOD! Tell me! What the hell happened?”
“Well, I just wanted to get a swim in and I only had 45 minutes. Usually I give myself more time, but this day, I had other places I had to be, the kids to pick up, dinner to shop for and make, you know the drill. So I only had this little window of opportunity for a swim. And I get to the pool….”
“What’s the name of the pool? I wanna be sure to get it right for my blog.”
”You’re gonna put my story on your blog?”
”Hell yeah.”
“Wow. Cool. Thank you. The name of the pool is “Canyon Swim Club in Fairfax.” (Swimmers BEWARE!)
“Great. Got it. So what happened?”
“Like I said, I only had 45 minutes and when I got there all the lanes were full. So this has probably happened to you, but when I tried to make eye contact with one of the swimmers, who by the way was this really weird Orange Color….”
”She was Orange?”
”Yeah. What’s up with that?”
“Maybe she eats too many carrots?”




“Maybe…..anyway, she was so mean. And she wouldn’t even make eye contact with me when I tried to ask her if I could share her lane……”
“Oh, yeah. I know that one.”
”You do?”
“Yeah. I do it myself sometimes, I must admit.”
“Yeah, but I bet you’re not as Mean as this Orange Woman!”
“Maybe. What did she do?”
“Well, when I finally got her attention and asked her if I could share her lane, she just glared at me and said, ‘No.’”
“WHAT?”
”Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either. And when I pressed her on it and said that I thought it was the pool policy to share your lane when all the lanes were full, she just shrugged and said, ‘I waited for this lane. It’s MY lane. You can wait for your own lane.’ And when I told her that I only had a limited time, 45 minutes, and I couldn’t stand around and wait, she just said, ‘We all make Choices.”
“ What the hell does that mean?”
“I guess that she made the choice to not share her lane and I must make the Choice to agree with her. But you know, her Goddamn Choice impacted my Choice!”
“Absolutely!” PP is suitably astonished by this selfish, spoiled, MEAN behavior of Orange Woman! In all the years she’s been swimming, in all the pools she’s been swimming in, she’s NEVER encountered such blatant rudeness and lack of Swimmer Etiquette. Orange Woman needs to be drowned!
“Did you bop her on the head with your kickboard?”
“No! I shoulda done that. Maybe that woulda helped. Though I don’t know….” KS’s voice trailed off.
“So what did you do if you didn’t brain her?” PP asked.
“I just gave up and went to the next lane and asked the woman there if I could share her lane.”
“And did she let you?”
“No. She said she was pregnant and I might kick her!”
“Are you fucking kidding me?”
”No.”
“Was she Orange too?”
“No, just pregnant.”
“Wow. She needed to be brained too, but I guess since she had her ‘precious cargo’ it was a little more legitimate. So then did you just give up?”
”NO! I really needed a swim!”
“Yeah, I understand that one!”
“So finally I went to this guy’s lane and asked him…”
“What did he say? He couldn’t have been pregnant at least!”
“Right. So, yeah, he just smiled and said, sure come on in. But I didn’t really wanna swim with him…..”
“Why not?”
“He was one of those kinda flirty beefy guys with a gold chain…”
PP smiled to herself. Of course, the beefy flirty guy is gonna wanna have Cutie Pie KS in his lane.





All the same, the Orange Woman deserves to be outted! If any swimmers encounter her Rude, Selfish, Obscene Behavior again at the Fairfax Canyon Club Pool, you know what to do!

Drown her!

(Or at least jump in and hold her Orange Head under water for several seconds to really scare the Meanness outta her! Hissssss!!!!!)

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

oh great story... maybe she had a disease... orange pox. They say "green with envy", maybe we should now say "orange with... what? bitchy selfishmness? greedy malice? Maybe PP can come up with the best words. As for the photo for "beefy guy with gold chain", that one is just hysterical...