Thursday, December 06, 2007

in lieu of swimming




Since PP has been odiously under the weather and therefore, unable to swim, she’s had to find other activities that don’t demand too much brainpower since her brain is mucus land.

Charming.

So what has she been doing in lieu of swimming?

Watching lots and lots of daytime TV, what else? Any oh, my! What a lot she has learned!

Tyra taught her ‘How to recognize a fake!’ Now PP can tell the difference between fake hair extensions and human ones (The human ones BOUNCE!) between a REAL Gucci Bag and a Knockoff (the real one has soft leather lining that feels like “Charmin”--Oh that Tyra, she has a way with simile) and between the Real Tyra and the Fake One. (The Real one is Taller, Fatter, and Stupider!)



What else has PP learned from daytime TV? On Oprah she learned all about Elizabeth Gilbert’s Charmed Literary life and how she’s become a literary rock star cuz of her new book ‘bout her spiritual journey from the bathroom floor to Italy to India to New Jersey. She calls her book, “Eat, Pray, Love.”

Hell, PP could write her own spiritual journey but doubts that she’d get on Oprah since she’d call hers, “Drink, Swim, Fuck.”

Oh, and don’t forget Judge Judy! My oh my don’t mess with her! If you are the sorry sap who borrowed your neighbor’s vacuum to mop up your apartment that was ‘egged’ (Who the hell gets ‘egged’ anymore?), then break said vacuum, then refuse to pay for a new one from the pert blonde neighbor you borrowed it from, watch out cuz Blondie’s gonna sue you on Judge Judy and Judge Judy is gonna make you pay. And ‘ummm’ is not an answer! So answer ‘Yes, M’am, or No, M’am,’ unless you want to do hard time in Judy’s Court.



Soap operas? Aren’t these the staple of daytime? All My Clichés is especially educational this week. PP learned that you should never store alcohol in your fake breast implants to try to get a no good rich guy outta the slammer by tempting him to drink again so he can remember that he did not run over the town big wig. This is a violation of Civil Code 128887. Eva’s gonna pay for her mistake by some jail time of her own. PP also learned that family is everything. And heck you gotta protect what’s yours, but not at the expense of their independence and the stroking of your own goddamn mighty ego. Thanks Crystal. But most of all she learned that you always have to listen to your dreams. If your husband is missing and your ex best friend on the lam psychopath is believed to be with him and you dream that your husband shoots this ex best friend, well, you gotta listen to that dream and run out into the woods in the middle of the night in your high heels and mink coat to go search for them. Many thanks, Kendall!



So, while this isn’t exactly a swimming story, per se, it is an instead of swimming blog about the joys of being too sick to do anything but watch daytime TV.




And as Meredith says, “Who wants to be a Millionaire?”

Hell, we all do!

And as PP always says, “Who wants to go for a swim?”

She does!

So, please, everyone out there, Drink, Swim and Fuck for PP till she gets her fins back on and dives back into that beautiful, liquidy home away from home, The Pool!

2 comments:

poetowen said...

I won't do much swimming but I'll work on the other two.

Hope you're feeling better!

O

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