Sunday, April 22, 2007

FRENCH FRIES & GOLD CHAINS IN PARADISE




When in Paradise, Dashingly Handsome Boyfriend hankers for adventure, while PP purrfurs to lounge about under a palm, devouring Trollope. Sometimes, he can rouse her for a walk on the beach or a drive down the coast, but this takes some coercion on his part. Or bribery works.

PP will usually do anything for a swim!

So, the day he wanted to find a beach outta the rain, PP shrugged, and nodded, what the hell? As long as she got to swim in the sea (or a pool—the pools were FREE on Oahu, can you even believe that? Now there’s civilization for you!), PP was happy.

And lord knows, DHBF wanted to keep her happy.

So, they hopped in the Pontiac Grand Am—yes, the rental car was supposed to be a Tercel, but they were outta the compacts at Alamo, so the gas-guzzler muscle car was theirs for a week.
What a way to tour the island!

But the rain! PP was trying to tell herself that it was a good thing. That with the rain was less sun and so less chance of more skin cancer. But yet…..she longed for a bit of that bright yellow light on the blue turquoise sea, so down the coast they went. To the awesome snorkel beach at the dead volcano next to Diamond Head, H Cove (PP can’t remember the entire name of this beach, but it did start with an H—close enough for a PP blog.)

Heading down the coast, it rained rained rained! PP was getting pretty cranky about both the rain and her bladder. She really hadda go to the bathroom. Thank God for the Sport of Golf in Hawaii. Those country clubs all had great bathrooms. The one on the way to the awesome snorkeling beach was bigger than their condo and smelled like bottled hibiscus.

PP was in Bathroom Heaven.

No wonder she loved Hawaii!

Yet, later, pulling up to the parking lot of the awesome snorkel beach, PP spied too many tour buses full of Japanese Hello Kitty Swimmers. Damn. The snorkel beach was a tourist trap?

The parking lot lady was fat and friendly. “You can just pay a $1, and stay for 15 minutes. If it’s not your cup of tea, you get your dollar back.”
DHBF nods, smiles, hands her a dollar. “Can’t lose, eh?”

Glancing around the parking lot, PP thought otherwise. It was fucking Disneyland. In addition to the tour buses, there were hundreds of rental cars full of screaming pasty families from Minnesota to Texas, armed to the hilt with their snorkels, beach chairs, ice chests, laptops, and umbrellas.

This looked like a big Adventure Mistake, PP thought. But she was trying to be more flexible. Have an open mind and not be so set in her ways. There was more to Paradise than Trollope and Kailua Beach.

From what PP could see, the More was Wrong.

Undaunted, DHBF bounded up to the lookout point. “You just wait here, and I’ll go check it out,” he called back to her, delighted.
PP felt the crankiness creep in despite her resolve. Hell, maybe at least she could find a bathroom.

Following him up the hill, she caught up to him and looked down the rocky cliff at the most beautiful turquoise corralled cove she’d ever seen.
Damn.
Too bad it was chalked full of screaming families.
“I don’t know….” she murmured. “Looks kinda crowded, but it’s not raining at least.”
DHBF nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah! Should we try it?”PP shrugged, trying to be adventurous, but it was really against her better instincts. While the beach was incredibly beautiful, the droves of tourists weren’t.
She glanced over at him. He was smiling but worried. Knew that she wanted to go, but couldn’t contain his excitement.
“Okay,” she headed back to the car, “Let’s get our stuff and head on down.”
”You sure it’s ok?”
“Yeah, sure. Maybe I can find a bathroom.”
Grinning he nodded. “I’m sure they have a bathroom.”
”Yeah, Disneyland usually does,” she muttered as they started to gather their stuff outta the Grand Am.

Confused and cranky, PP stood in the middle of a crowd of sunburned tourists wolfing down French fries and talking on cell phones. Where’s the goddamn bathroom, she wondered. Glancing around, she spied it under a cave overhang, and headed toward it, narrowly missing a bleached blonde with a gargantuan plate of fries and catsup, followed by her water buffalo hubby, in gold chains and wrong too tan.
Damn. This was not the beach for her. Just use the bathroom and fuck the adventure, PP thought to herself.
Inching through the crowd, the smell of grease and Coppertone enveloping her, PP stopped at the “CLOSED FOR CLEANING” sign and stood staring at it, crestfallen.

Hell, can’t she even go to the bathroom at the French Fry and Gold Chain Beach? What a gyp. Wonder if they can still get their dollar back.

“Did you find the bathroom,” DHBF caught up with her after she’d turned and headed back up toward the parking lot.
“Yeah, it was closed.”
”Closed?”
”That’s what I said. Let’s get the hell outta here.”
“Yeah, I agree. It’s costs another 5 bucks to get down to the beach.”
”You’re kidding.” PP shook her head. No bathroom and lots of grease, both of a fried and human variety.

No thank you.

Back in the car, she breathed a sigh of relief. “Can we stop at the Golf Course again so I can go to the bathroom?”
Grinning, DHBF looked over at her, “Of course.”
“And then can we go back to Kailua Beach?”
“Just what I was thinking.”
“Cool, cuz the French Fries and Gold Chain Beach really made me long for Trollope and a palm.”
”Me, too,” he chuckled as he pulled into the parking lot of the Diamond Head Country Club and let PP out to find the bathroom, happy now that she was gonna not only get to use the Condo Bathroom again, but also supurr relieved that the Adventure was over!

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