Wednesday, August 02, 2006

What this neighborhood needs is a Pool!

Okay, fans, technically this isn’t a Pool story, but bear with PP. A pool could be the answer!

Last night, PP attended her neighborhood Block Party to get to know her neighbors and discuss really stupid stuff like earthquake preparedness (like PP doesn’t have more pressing worries!) and what to do about the motorcycle terrorists on 63rd St. (Okay, they’re not real terrorists, but PP sees them as such since they terrorize her with their obnoxious NOISE (“Nuisance” according to the neighborhood survey), trespassing and all around grossness!

But that’s another story that PP doesn’t think a pool can help.

However, class warfare? PP thinks a pool is the answer!

Sitting on the curb in the chilly dusk, the neighbors are going around the circle introducing themselves and adding little or big asides about their time here in our beautiful neighborhood. All of them have to identify how long they’ve been living in the neighborhood and whether they own or rent their abodes. PP frowns at the survey she’s required to fill out to create a neighborhood ‘Crime Watch’ list—Rent? Own? Why is this important?

PP is about to find out!

Pompous Professorial Pudge bellows out after listening to various whining about Royal Coffee blocking the sidewalk and the motorcycles racing hazardly down the street, and delivery trucks idling outside our windows for hours and hours and hours.

“As the necessary and always appreciated voice of dissention,” Pompous Prof begins, “I revel in the intellectual climate that the coffee house and various shops elicit. I embrace the noise and commotion that such an atmosphere engenders. Without the coffee house, we would not have this valuable intellectual exchange that makes our neighborhood such a unique treasure. I relish the diversity that our neighborhood attracts.” (PP glances around the group of middle aged/ elderly white homeowners with a smattering of white, mostly young professional, renters. One African American retired engineer, one Latina ‘domestic’ –this is diversity?) “If you want quiet,” Pompous Prof continues, “move to Orinda!” (like PP could afford that!)

There is much nodding in agreement, followed by appreciative applause. PP shakes her head. What an idiot! Obviously he doesn’t live next door to Royal coffee, nor does he have various undesirables trespassing in his yard!

Ah! But thank goodness for PP’s fiery neighbor, Miss K! She steps forward, her long grey hair flowing magnificently behind her as she takes a deep breath and with an imperious wave of her hand, begins: “Let me just point out!” She pauses and glares at Pompous Prof. “IT IS VERY DIFFERENT TO LIVE IN A BIG HOUSE ON THAT END OF THE STEET (She sweeps her hand majestically down the street toward the HOMEOWNERS mansions ) YOU obviously do NOT live on our end of the block next door to the coffee shop and across the street from the forever idling trucks. We must suffer not only the trash, noise and congested sidewalks resulting from the café and shops, but our property (well, actually it’s not our property, but PP will get to this) is constantly subjected to trespassers changing their babies’ diapers on our front porches; parking their SUV’s in our driveway; shitting in our bushes!” She glances around, the crowd is sitting rapt. Go Miss K, PP purrs! “All is not a cozy idealized intellectual habitat that you describe from where we sit! And those of you who live in the Big Houses down the street should realize that OUR World if very Different from YOUR world.”

PP applauds. Is joined by the few other renters. Pompous Prof makes no response but sits up straighter in his folding chair. His white intellectual hair standing on end. (Okay, PP is making that up, but you get the idea!)

Miss K finishes her speech with a final glare at Pompous Prof, before turning and stalking out of the party, her mane of hair flowing majestically behind her.

Various neighbors start to chatter again about the nuisance of the garbage trucks and the too fast motorists as PP thinks to herself.

What this neighborhood needs is a Pool!

Why a pool would certainly solve this class warfare, esp. if it were installed in PP’s and Miss K’s compound and we only allowed Renters to use it! (Oh, yeah, I bet Pompous Prof would say he doesn’t like to swim. No intellectual exchange in the pool. HAH! What the hell does HE know!)

And so, PP thinks she’s gonna pass around a petition and get the neighbors to contribute to a Pool Fund. Everyone will be required to contribute based on the assessed value of their home. Pompous Prof, therefore, in his huge Mansion worth over a million dollars today even though he paid only $22,000 for it in 1972, will have to contribute the most, say $22,000? While PP and friends would contribute sunscreen and their landladies’ property. Such a Pool would definitely raise the value of the neighborhood to have such a lovely spot to swim in under the magnificent pines of PP’s compound!

What do you think?

PP is gonna start today. Such a project will take time and energy, but for the neighborhood’s sake, she’ll take the plunge!

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