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Showing posts from July, 2006

On the Lam at the Pool?

"My daughter’s missing." The Kirby Puckett of Berkeley holds up a flyer to the pool guy as PP leaves Willard Jr. High's dreary locker room. "Can I hang this in here?" he asks at the front door, peering inside, distressed beads of sweat gathered on his smooth forehead.

"Uh....I don’t think so...I don’t think we can hang flyers up here...." Stupid Pool Guard holds the front door open for conversation, but just barely.

"MY DAUGHTER’S MISSING! SHE HANGS AROUND HERE SOMETIMES...." Kirby repeats, exasperated.

PP glares at SPG. Let the guy hang his flyer you dumb idiot! Isn’t This flyer a no brainer? Like if someone’s kid is missing, don’t you just help them if you can? And isn’t hanging a flyer at Willard Jr. High Pool not asking much? Jeeeezzzz! PP can’t believe the stupidity of Youth sometimes as she tries to sneak past them, glancing at the flyer herself, "Runaway Teen...." she can’t read what else, but sees snapshot of pretty African A…

POOL STUDS DRINK CHAMPAGNE? OH MY!

“Christina let me off the hook with the Baby. I just wasn’t into the Dad Thing and she knew it. What with the diaper changing, feeding, blah blah blah…..plus I have to work. Well, it just wasn’t for me. Plus it really cut into my social life. Being a dad.”

Pool Pussy is eavesdropping again. Part of her never-ending research for her blog. Today, it’s soooo hot. Of course she revels in the heat as any cat would, but had to seek shade cuz of the stupid skin cancer sore.

Fortunately, the kindly crew at Mills had erected the shade tarps, and wow! What a wondrous sight PP spies as she comes outta the locker room. Two pool studs doing crunch sit ups (is that what they’re called?). Very impressive! PP had to get a closer look. And she had the excuse of their exercise area being under the shade tarps. What luck!

Hot and bothered, PP can never get enough of the Heat—oh she’s only talking about the air temperature. The two Pool Studs were way too young for her, of course. Tho the Anti Dad one was…

Club Eeetoeko!

Pool Pussy had had a lovely time at Women's Will's 12th Night, but in the 100 degree heat under the shade of the Big Oak at Mosswood Park watching Olivia and Viola make eyes at each other, she couldn't help thinking:

"HOT HOT HOT!!!"

and then,

"POOL POOL POOL'!


So when the opportunity to go to the Dashing Boyfriend's stepson's pool and hot tub in the Oakland hills came up, she said,

"YES YES YES!!!"

(After Fenton's Ice Cream, but there's no pool there so we'll skip that story. Suffice it to say there was much ice cream, much air conditioning, and much screaming!)

Clomping down the 20 flights of wooden rickety steps to Eeetoeko's pool was an adventure in itself. Pool Pussy followed Dashingly Handsome BF's niece, Pauline, and her friend, Isabel, in the sloggy heat, thinking how delicious it was gonna be in the pool. The late afternoon sun and smog were purrfect for a dip! PP couldn't wait!

Spying the splashing of DH BF…

Pool Pussy's Potty Training Edification

Pool pussy is so excited! Why? Cuz she’s learning so many fascinating things about child rearing this summer at the pool!

Why, did you know? That contrary to popular belief—girls are quicker and easier to potty train than boys? NO, No, NO....you silly non-breeders!
That's not IT at all!

It depends on who’s doing the training!
Men can train their sons more quickly and women can train their daughters more quickly.

Why is this?

Modeling! (And here I thought ‘modeling’ only applied to teaching essay structure!)
The boys can watch their dads and nod and spray--gross me out!
Or...
The Girls can watch their moms and sit and tinkle--so cute!!!

Now why didn’t Pool Pussy think of this before? Cuz she doesn’t have any children and you know what that means? Much learning about kids in the locker room...quell treat! Now, if she could only get a demonstration...just kiddin! (Unless precious little Stella were to show her...then she might relent!)

So, all you non breeders out there—why not expand your …

Oh those darling little ogling boys!

Go ahead, call me a cranky, non-breeding, politically incorrect, child hater, but.....Why the hell do moms hafta bring their ogling age boys into the women's locker room to change? I mean! Do I really need to be subjected to a 6 year old's (I'm not talkin' about the wee little ones, say 4 yrs and under)unabashed staring at my breasts dripping wet outta the shower? What do I do? Smile and say....what? "Oh, isn't he just the cutest little guy staring at my tits? How precocious!" I just don't get it. (Well, actually I do! But that's another blog.)

Why not shower the boys outside? Why not shower them at home? Hell, why not skip the shower altogether!

And does the same thing happen in reverse in the men's locker room? Do the dads bring the little girls into the shower with all those....ummmm...how do I put this indelicately? PENISES hanging out? I THINK NOT! (That would be child abuse, JL observed as we were driving home from the pool! )

So, moms, ca…

Solar Senile Keratosis—Hissssss!!!!

"Actinic Keratosis, also called solar or senile (hissss!) keratosis, is a precancerous skin condition that devlops in sun-exposed skin, especially on the face, hands, forearms, and neck. It occurs most often in pale-skinned, fair-haired, light eyed people beginning at age 30 or 40" (Kaiser Permanente Website, July 2006, Patrice Burgess, MD)

Pool Pussy looks down at the small red blotchy spot on her forearm. Then glances back at the above description.

Yup. That’s it. Actinic Keratosis. Solar Keratosis. Senile Kerotosis? Shit, why is she always senile? Or was it senior? Whatever. She’s not. Unless you ask the stupid lifeguards at Willard Pool. (See previous entry, June something or other...)

Damn. What’s a solar swimming kitty to do?
Go to Kaiser?
Unfortunately, this is the only option Pool Pussy has. Someday she'll move to Canada or some other civilized country where they have non-Kaiser Health Care that is state sponsored. Not gonna happen here in the good 'ole US of A…

pool pussy is gonna scream!

Okay, pool pussy just wrote a really funny story about calling willard jr. high to
see if they're open today, the goddamn 4th of july, and of course they're not so she just wrote down their recording of all their hours for the summer which sounds really boring, but it wasn't cuz it had all of pool pussy's own scheduling issues, like she can't get outta the house before noon, so no way was she gonna make the 7 a.m-1:00p.m time and how there were hours on the weekend that she could possibly make but alas the pool is full of goddamn stupid screaming kids and obnoxious families with their stupid footballs and frisbees and underwater staring by tiny curious tots that pool pussy would like to drown and also how there's evidently a guy named Dave that teaches swim lessons but pool pussy would really like a pic of Dave first before she makes any commitment there and also how willard is open on fridays from 5:30 to 7:30 p.m. well acutally everyday but pool pussy works a…